


Second Chances

by Fafsernir



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Spoilers for episode 99, Subtle Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:01:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23812732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fafsernir/pseuds/Fafsernir
Summary: Caleb finds Yasha on the deck of the ship after the peace talk. She looks as conflicted as he feels.
Relationships: Caleb Widogast & Yasha
Comments: 8
Kudos: 58





	Second Chances

On the first day after the peace talk, Caleb found his way to Yasha on the deck. She was looking out at the sky, silent and still. He simply stood next to her, leaning against the railing and looking out at the sea, not starting conversation, but making his presence known.

“It's weird how it doesn't feel like a victory”, she whispered, almost too low for him to hear.

He hummed in answer as she voiced what he had been repeating in his own head the whole time. They had managed to get peace between the two previously warring nations but, for some reason, it didn’t feel as good as it should have. There was a bittersweet aftertaste to it. Caleb was relieved, relieved that there was peace for now in the nation he had grown in, no matter how rotten the roots of that nation were. That was a problem for another day. They took it step by step.

But it was beyond that, beyond knowing that there was more to do. Caleb had identified the problem, had felt it as soon as it had popped up.

The problem was that they now had a name to blame for the start of this war, but none of them wanted that name to be in this position. None of them had wanted Essek to be the agent who had stolen the beacons from the Dynasty and delivered them to the Empire.

Caleb tried to avoid taking part into discussions about Essek. He would hug himself, nervously scratch his arms, but he didn’t really participate or give his opinions. Because his opinion differed from the group, it seemed, and he didn’t want to go against the group. Not on this. Their talks about punishing Essek made him uncomfortable. And he wasn’t the only one staying mostly silent in those moments. Yasha, even if she wasn’t the most talkative one in general, hadn’t given as strong an opinion as Beau or Veth had.

And Caleb understood. He understood because he felt the same, shitty way. He felt as undeserving as he was guessing and seeing Yasha felt.

“Any sign of fish people?” Yasha asked after a while, and Caleb smiled slightly. She wanted to talk, she was alright to converse now.

“Not that I can tell,” he answered, watching the water a bit more. He then sighed, glancing at Yasha, then looking around them to check that they were having a relatively private conversation. “How are you feeling?”

She shrugged, in a “you know” answer, and Caleb did know. 

He took a deep breath, didn’t look at her, and stroke a scar on his bare forearm.

“How do you feel about…” he gestured vaguely in the air, not finishing his sentence.

Yasha crossed her arms on her chest, then thought better of it, as if she had realized she was putting up barriers, and voluntarily took them down as she talked to Caleb.

“We’re all glad the war’s over. For now.” She paused and Caleb let her gather her thoughts and think of how to say it. “It feels weird,” she eventually sighed.

“Part of you wonders why they’re not punishing you like they are discussing Essek’s case?” Caleb said slowly, having thought it over a lot in his own head. He had had time to think about it, to wonder up until when he was going to be different from people they were condemning.

“I’ve caused misery too. When… Obann attacked the Cobalt Soul… Those were Beau’s people. More so than other inhabitants of the Empire.” Yasha exhaled, seemingly trying to word some of her thoughts, and definitely struggling. “Why are we given a second chance?” she whispered, staring intensely at a point in the horizon.

“I have no answer to this question. I… I never thought I deserved them. I still don’t,” he chuckled nervously, rubbing his shoulder. He stuttered again and he closed his eyes, playing with his hands as he gathered the courage to admit it outloud for the second time in only a few days. “When I killed my parents, I… I wanted to. Trent only ever wanted us to do it to protect the Empire, but I  _ wanted _ it.” He paused, gatherings the thoughts he often fled away from. “I wanted to be a good student so badly, and a good… a good citizen. I don’t think…” Caleb shook his head. Talking was hard, that was why he tried not to do it so much, but it was needed sometimes. “I know I will never forgive myself for this, but I can’t choose for others. I can’t decide what the group thinks or feels. They have shown only kindness and compassion so far, but every time I have to tell what I did, every time you all learn something new, there always are the same questions. Is this the day it gets too much for them? Is this the day they realize I’m not as redeemable as they thought? Is this the day they give up on me? Is it the day  _ I  _ give up?”

Yasha shifted, as if she wanted to do something, but didn’t. “Caleb…” she tried, but Caleb shook his head.

“I know how you feel because I feel the same. Why were we given second chances? Did they think of us the same they are thinking about Essek? Did they ever think we should die for what we did?  _ I  _ thought I should die for what I’ve done. And it… you  _ all _ showed me it wasn’t the solution.”

Yasha blinked. “You don’t want them to punish Essek because they didn’t punish you.”

Caleb nodded, fully hugging himself by now, nervously scratching his arms. “Because they didn’t punish  _ us _ ,” he rectified with a small, fake smile. “We were brainwashed, they would say, but we still walk around with the grief and the pain. Essek’s not different from us, like Veth said. I don’t know what they’ll decide on him, I don’t think we even should have the power to decide but… Well, I hope they realize that they gave us second chances, and that even if Essek hasn’t been travelling with us, he… He’s not a bad person.”

There was a long silence, but Caleb knew Yasha was processing what he had said. He was doing the same, unsure of what his point had been, in the end. Maybe he had just needed to voice his doubts and worries to someone, in addition to showing Yasha that he understood.

“Essek’s not you, Caleb,” Yasha said after a while, frowning as if she was thinking about something suddenly. “If he is given the chance and fails to repent, it doesn’t mean you are bound to fail at some point, too.”

Caleb took a deep breath, letting the words wash over him as Yasha put her finger on a side of the coin he hadn’t thought about. He had focused on the feeling of betrayal, while he had finally trusted someone else than the Mighty Nein, he had focused on how much he could relate to Essek's internal struggling. He hadn't thought on the fact that he related so much that the idea of Essek failing to change could be linked to how he evaluated his own worth. But it was. If Essek were given that chance, and were to betray them again… Caleb had unconsciously already linked that to a failure of his own.

Essek and Caleb were similar but they weren't identical. Yasha was right, of course, his worth had nothing to do with another man's poor decisions, Caleb was doing alright by himself in that department already.

"We continue to try to leave a place in a better way than we find it, right?" Yasha said putting a hesistant hand on his shoulder, probably to shake him out of his reverie even more so than to support him.

That, he could do. He had been trying to do it ever since Mollymauk had voiced this mindset. He was okay with trying to be better. He just hoped others were too.

He patted her back in response, and to say that it was awkward and unnatural for both of them would be to minimize the situation. But it was fine. It still felt great, to know that they were on the same page, to know that even if sometimes they felt like they were drowning, at least someone was next to them and knew how it felt.

As they stopped the awkward patting, Caleb realized that he didn't feel the need to walk away from the conversation. He had become so accustomed to the feeling that it was almost odd not to sense it, and he almost left as a reflex. Instead, he leaned against the rail again, and Yasha did the same, and maybe their arms were touching, and maybe it warmed Caleb's heart to see that he was still close to Yasha.

As they sat in comfortable silence, Caleb wondered what he would have become, had he not crossed path with the Mighty Nein. He wasn't sure he would have liked that man. Because maybe he was starting to like the person he was thanks to the Mighty Nein.

**Author's Note:**

> I just love Caleb and Yasha's friendship, so here you go, while we wait for more Critical Role! ;) 
> 
> If you feel like it, you can always come talk to me on Tumblr! (@fafsernir ou @trashmel)


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